FACT: DINOSAURS ARE IN SPACE.
65 million years ago, an asteroid struck our planet in what is now the Yucatan Peninsula. Millions of dinosaurs were tragically killed either by the impact itself, or the resulting extreme climate changes it produced. Scientists have long believed these species to have been permanently extinct, but the emerging field of paleocosmology has revealed that many thousands of dinosaurs were thrown from the earth during the impact and underwent what scientists call “hyperevolution,” rapidly adapting to their new extraterrestrial surroundings. They dispersed into the cosmos, exploring mysterious pockets and folds of our universe and establishing new dinosaur settlements in the stars.
Though paleocosmology is a new field, humanity has long intuited that dinosaurs likely became space frontiersmen, as evidenced by Figure 1-5, above. In 1985 (the same year Martin McFly became the world’s first time traveler, through an accident involving Dr. Emmet Brown’s flux capacitor), an astronaut named Loren Acton took the fossil of an infant Maiasaura (a duck-billed dinosaur) on the Spacelab 2 NASA mission. This marked the first time a dinosaur has been in our planet’s orbit since the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event. In 1998 (the same year Fat Joe released Don Cartegena), the skull of a meat-eater therapod named Coelophysis was taken on the shuttle Endeavor to the Mir space station, where it was subsequently reanimated. We have received no recognizable transmissions from the Mir since, though we expect the zombie Coelophysis to learn to operate the communication systems within the next 20 years, and we hope to receive an update then.
Paleocosmologists have used dinotelescopic technology to take deep space photographs of these amazing species in their natural space habitats. Bizarrely enough, in the tens of millions of years that have elapsed since dinosaurs were rocketed beyond our solar system’s borders, many species have settled in extraterrestrial environments most reflective of their own adaptive strengths, which will be explored more in the below posts. Please do enjoy this chronicle of our noble field’s discoveries thus far, and the incredible examples of survival and adaptation these extraterrestrial dinosaurs have become.
As famed chaotician Ian Malcolm once said, “Life finds a way.”
FACT: RAPTORS RIDE COMETS.
Raptors are agile, curious and, above all, clever, and this is one of many reasons why they have learned to use comets to their advantage. Though paleocosmologists don’t yet know where in space Raptor Headquarters are (raptors are notoriously shrewish) they now have abundant photographic evidence of raptors using comets to transport them from solar system to solar system. The above raptors are heading for a star system close to the Arcturus supernova. Raptors often travel with their polar opposites: here we see an example of business in the front, party in the back.
FACT: ARGENTINOSAURS REGULARLY SURVIVE SUPERNOVAS.
Argentinosaurs were some of the largest animals to ever walk the planet (or fly off it due to a meteor impact!). At 30-40 meters (about 100-125 feet for you imperial system weirdos) and weighing in at over 100 tonnes, they ruled the mid-Cretaceous sauropods.
Paleocosmologists long considered this species to be too massive to survive in space, but a recent photograph of the supernova SN 1604 reveals that argentinosaurs have adapted to the most extreme of environments: the interiors of stars. Scientists are baffled at how they survive the conditions, as a star’s surface would immediately incinerate not only a human being, but also virtually any other conceivable material. And yet, angentinosaurs have been observed “cocooning” in stellar nests and subsisting until supernovas rocket them back into deep space, where they seek out promising nebulae and begin their cycle anew.
FACT: TROODONS HAVE A MORE ADVANCED CIVILIZATION THAN HUMANS.
Troodons are widely believed to have been the most intelligent of all dinosaurs, with a brain/body ratio higher than fellow reptiles as well as most mammals of the late Cretaceous. Our fascination with this small predator and its large brain has lead to many creative interpretations, including a Star Trek novel and the development of a “Dinosauroid” - a very anthropomorphic conceptualization of the evolutionary path the Troodon would have taken if it hadn’t been launched from its earthly haven into outer space by a rogue meteor.
As it happens, Troodons have shown humanity up to an astonishing degree. Once lauded only for their keen depth perception and mechanical intelligence, they are now by far superior to us technologically, scientifically and even philosophically (the Central Troodonian library is rumoured to encompass an entire planet). They have used the past 65 million years to build complex space stations and have colonized the better part of the Milky Way. We are told (by them) that we live in the worse part.
Soon after scientists began capturing photographic evidence of other paleocosmic communities, Troodons began sending JPEG files of their own space stations, colonies and communities to NASA employees’ assorted Smartphones. It would appear that the Troodons have been watching us for some time, and for whatever reason (no need to assume it’s nefarious!!!) have waited for us to discover their dinosaur brethren before getting in touch with us.
There’s no reason these photos should not be taken as a token of peace and brotherhood between species, even though we have no idea where their nearest base is, no indication of how they colonized the galaxy so thoroughly and no chance of avoiding our species’ collective shit getting kicked out of it if they ever decide to attack.
Nobody has any good reason to be desperately, pants-shittingly afraid of the Troodons.
FACT: T-REXES THRIVE IN BLACK HOLES
For many eons, tyrannosaurs floated through deep space subsisting on whatever unlucky alien happened to cross their path. Once the great predator of the Mesozoic, they were reduced to a farflung diaspora of starving giants and very nearly became extinct once and for all. However, about 20 million years ago, a flock of tyrannosaurs was fortunate enough to pass through the orbit of the black hole Cygnus X-1, and were quickly sucked beyond the event horizon. In much the same way that Venus fly traps, spiders, or sea anemones lure prey into confined areas, T-Rexes found that they could take their bloody commission out of the black hole’s trappings. Scientists are still trying to figure out how the symbiotic relationship between tyrannosaurs and black holes functions; it’s clear from photographic evidence that much like argentinosaurs, T-Rexes remain unaffected by their extreme conditions, and indeed seem to have thrived in their unstable environments. Also, as evidenced by the above photo, tyrannosaurs who have been sucked deep into the holes do not appear to have been killed, but rather have become super-massive and awesome.